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Deja Vu

One year ago I posted about how down I felt. And had I posted yesterday, I would have written this:

"I am blue, I am blue, but this is nothing new.

It's hormones, baby, all hormones. I've lived with the fluctuation for many years. I never know when it will hit harder. It got worse as I got older. Tears streaming over some minor thing at work, some mild constructive criticism. Mood jags that are incomprehensible. Sudden fits of anger. So I chart moods and dates and have a pretty good record, some of it going back to my college years. More recently, I chart all the time. My best defense is a rational assessment, talking to myself, telling myself to just go with the flow until things are better, don't take anything at your initial gut reaction to it."

Scary, huh? I like lj for this alone. Last year, I actually turned my background black for several days until my mood improved.

It took a good 3 hours for me to get dressed yesterday. Beyond the normal sitting around in jammies time, that is. I just couldn't do it. The crash hit on Thursday and continued through yesterday. Every day I get up, determined not to let it break me. But frankly, I can't face another day like yesterday or worse, so I hope that's it. The chart says, yes, it probably was the lowest point. But I've thought that each morning.

I did manage to make phone calls I needed to make about the apt and remodeling, but it took me until late Sat. But I didn't take incoming calls from anyone, conveniently left my cell phone in my office most of the time and walked away from it. If someone really needed me, they would leave a message.

Sat night we had dinner with friends. I spent most of Fri and Sat knowing that I couldn't go, couldn't get myself dressed. And then tried not to focus on that dread. And when the time came, I managed.

Sun, I wanted to stack wood. I never got to that. But I did make soup, the first time I've cooked since Tues. I thought I would have to go to the store for ingredients, but it turned out I had what was required in the house, thank goodness. Soup and bread. Nothing like it. A frost was finally due last night and the Dude wanted to bring his plants inside as he does every winter. Into the living room. Where the elephant lives. His idea was to just do it, but I wouldn't let him. I needed the room organized, the elephant sorted into sections and put into corners, the plant placement discussed, Miss E's play areas laid out. Which drove him nuts, but I was in tears, needing help to do this piece by piece. Once started, it wasn't so bad. But like most of my house, it's a chinese puzzle and you have to move something to place something and move something else. The finished work is a good thing. I have most of the living room back. Except for the Dude's plants, but that's normal.

And it's the shred day event next weekend, when I'll be gone. So Sat I was in the barn, sorting through my parents' papers to make sure they should all be destroyed. And I actually started through 3 boxes of our papers. Which I wanted to continue yesterday, but that didn't happen because of the late start, the soup, the living room.

And edits are simply not happening at the moment. It was too soon. Or I'm too down.

So. It's Mon. I woke up determined not to repeat yesterday. One of these days, that will actually happen. One of these days very soon. Hopefully today.

Frog Out



( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 29th, 2007 11:44 am (UTC)
Oh man, that's painful. I think the chart is a good idea because one of the worst things about feeling that way is it leaves you so hopeless you're sure it will go on forever. But the chart shows you it doesn't.

Hope you're feeling better today, Oz.
Oct. 29th, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC)
I don't know about better, but I managed to go get E's prescription (Thurs) and let the chickens out by 10. And do an errand or two. And get dressed to do that. I can cheat about the getting dressed part when I drive E across the street to school so the getting dressed part really was a small victory. I'm roasting peppers now.

Oct. 29th, 2007 12:22 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear that. Don't know what to say except hang in there. I got really depressed when I moved to Austin, wanted to quit writing, etc. Those "radical" blog posts of my imaginary life were me grabbing at straws and to get out my frustration. So I do understand.
Oct. 29th, 2007 03:56 pm (UTC)
thanks for the support. It's like moving almost every month. And boy do I know what you're talking about...military moves were very depressing. The Dude always had a job waiting for him, but I didn't.

Oct. 29th, 2007 01:51 pm (UTC)
Sorry you're feeling so down, Oz. I've found since I passed menopause that I'm pretty much free of those hormone things. I just went through a week where getting into my room, getting my clothes each morning (in the garage cuz there's no room in my room) getting to the fish tank to feed my fish all involved squeezing through narrow spaces or climbing over stacked boxes and bags as Louise prepared for the Halloween party, and it hardly bothered me--though from time to time I thought to myself that some people can actually walk through their houses and it must be nice.
Oct. 29th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
I can't wait! The problem wasn't so much the mess as the loss of that part of me that can see how to organize it. Argh!

Oct. 29th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
Losing part of oneself is painful. Hang in there!
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 29th, 2007 03:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the hug, I could really feel it. Having women friends who've been through the process is really helpful. Makes one doubt one's sanity, it does.
Oct. 29th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
*huge hugs for you*

Damn those hormones, they really are a horror ride. Be gentle with yourself. We are rooting for you.
Oct. 30th, 2007 02:49 pm (UTC)
I am a little late reading this and hope it has passed by now.

Can't offer much by way of advice/experience because I have only ever witnessed stuff like this, never gone through it myself. The charting sounds like a good idea, some way to try and objectify the subjective, gain a little perspective.

long distance. Go easy.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )